One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
i wish i could marry a nap
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.