@Shanehasabeard

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

@Shanehasabeard

Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should’ve bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it’s only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.

@Shanehasabeard

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@Shanehasabeard

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@Shanehasabeard

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

@Shanehasabeard

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving