Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”