Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.