🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦