Not messing around
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.