Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of shawn_spree's best tweets

@shawn_spree : This 8 year old kid at McDonald's just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.

@shawn_spree: I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@shawn_spree: If it wasn't for the internet, I would think "12 Years A Slave" was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.

@shawn_spree: A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@shawn_spree: My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

@shawn_spree: My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.

@shawn_spree: *tries to get a life.

Life: I have a girlfriend.

@shawn_spree: I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.

@Shawn_spree: Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@Shawn_spree: Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *