This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
If it wasn’t for the internet, I would think “12 Years A Slave” was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.
*tries to get a life.
Life: I have a girlfriend.
I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
Wife: Am I grotesque?
Me: No, angel cake!
Wife: Why did you call me a cake?
Me: Cake is round?