I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I have obtained a hat