Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.