*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.