@Shen_the_Bird

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

@Shen_the_Bird

doctor: i’m afraid the part of your brain that helps with rhyming may never work again

me: uh oh spaghetti

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

@Shen_the_Bird

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

@Shen_the_Bird

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

@Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass