@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

@Shen_the_Bird

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

@Shen_the_Bird

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

@Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you