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Page of Shen_the_Bird's best tweets

@Shen_the_Bird : me: hey what's your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@Shen_the_Bird: me: [tied to a chair] i'll never talk

terrorist: we're gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

@Shen_the_Bird: me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it's frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

@Shen_the_Bird: guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you're not even hiding

@Shen_the_Bird: date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn't it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

@Shen_the_Bird: genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

@Shen_the_Bird: Me: i knew you'd pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

@Shen_the_Bird: me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date's champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

@Shen_the_Bird: daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you'll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

@Shen_the_Bird: me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit