@Shen_the_Bird therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
@Shen_the_Bird @Shen_the_Bird [first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
@Shen_the_Bird a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
@Shen_the_Bird girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
@Shen_the_Bird me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
@Shen_the_Bird welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
@Shen_the_Bird therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: ok
[later]
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
@Shen_the_Bird guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
@Shen_the_Bird genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
@Shen_the_Bird interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you