guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit