[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime