Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER