[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much