I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn