[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child