Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not