I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.