I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Money is the root of all wealth
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.