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Page of ShootyDoody's best tweets

@ShootyDoody : Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub...

@ShootyDoody: Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

@ShootyDoody: Dogs are like babies, you can't actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@ShootyDoody: Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@ShootyDoody: Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it's my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

@ShootyDoody: Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

@ShootyDoody: Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don't know, he probably could though.

@ShootyDoody: Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@ShootyDoody: Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That's every man I know.