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Page of ShootyDoody's best tweets

@ShootyDoody : Dogs are like babies, you can't actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@ShootyDoody: Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@ShootyDoody: Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it's my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

@ShootyDoody: Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

@ShootyDoody: Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don't know, he probably could though.

@ShootyDoody: Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@ShootyDoody: Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That's every man I know.

@ShootyDoody: Cilantro tastes like soap.

- People who eat soap, apparently

@ShootyDoody: Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.