@ShootyDoody

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

@ShootyDoody

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

@ShootyDoody

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

@ShootyDoody

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@ShootyDoody

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

@ShootyDoody

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

@ShootyDoody

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…