A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat.
-Me hitting on Bigfoot
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.