Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…