@ShootyDoody

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

@ShootyDoody

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

@ShootyDoody

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

@ShootyDoody

I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat.

-Me hitting on Bigfoot

@ShootyDoody

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

@ShootyDoody

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

@ShootyDoody

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

@ShootyDoody

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

@ShootyDoody

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.