You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…