Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.