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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”