[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
She was rare, like a goth jogging
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago