[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out