If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
