Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on