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ME: finally a program for me
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole