ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot