i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.