Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work