WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Okay
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice