Who needs an Air Fryer?
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
#oldknees
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae