[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
But that’s none of my business
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?