I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.