I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
You Might Also Like
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday