I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
you gotta be faster
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
January has been Januweary
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.