Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach