I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Meme Monday.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’