Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
🙂🐾