*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Wait, let me explain..”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.