To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.