Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..