@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@Sir_Strange

*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*

@Sir_Strange

“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”

– soulmates

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@Sir_Strange

*goes on job interview*

-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.

@Sir_Strange

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

@Sir_Strange

– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.

@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.