“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”
– my mother
*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*
“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
*goes on job interview*
-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.
Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.