Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Bros before Ohioes
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.