Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Yoga Matt
Cartman: Respect my
a a
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that