Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Jurassic park gets weird
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there