A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
🚲+physics = winner
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.