Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.