@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@SlabBaconBP

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.