Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.