@SlappNuttz

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

@SlappNuttz

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@SlappNuttz

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.