Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.