Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.


Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.


[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?


My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.


I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.


How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.


I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.


My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.