My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?